And as such I have some issues dealing with other people's pregnancies. So here are some ground rules to follow, taken from Ashley at feigning fertility. HERE is the original post, on Ashley's blog.
What we infertility survivors need our pregnant friends and family to understand is the following:
1. Your news, while brilliant and amazing, is going to hurt. You are not hurting us. You did not hurt us and we know you love us. What hurts is that every time we see some one else pregnant, we're slapped with the fact that we are not. Every announcement is another moment where we have to face our defective bodies and empty arms. It's not you, it really isn't.
2. We will need our space. The only thing that will get us through our own struggles with our infertility is patience. I've heard people express that infertile women need to get over it, because pregnant people are everywhere and we can't avoid it , so why let it bother us? Because we are painfully aware that pregnancy is everywhere. We face it every single day, not just during pregnancy announcements or baby showers... When one of our friends is pregnant, we have to look at it and frankly, it's an overload. Let us come to you ( pretend we are a cat) and mostly, [...] know that we love you, but we need our space.
3. Do not. Do NOT appear ungrateful for your pregnancy [...] we're aware that if we ask how you're feeling, you're probably not feeling like sunshine and roses. A good response would be "tired, a little queasy. How are you?". We're trying to be polite, we really are concerned about you, but a long drawn out whine about your vomiting isn't needed. It's hard to listen to someone moan and groan about something you would be really grateful for. We get that it's not a walk in the park, but if we were in your shoes, our response would be " tired, a little queasy, but thrilled!". We need to know that you know how blessed you are. That we'd do anything to be as uncomfortable as you are.
4. We need you to know that our pain is not about you. We know that you're going to be a great parent. We know you are grateful. We wouldn't take it from you so we could have it. But we wonder what we did wrong that we can't have it too. Not "instead" but "also". I love my friends and wouldn't have taken their pregnancies away from them so I could do it instead, but I would have given anything to be pregnant also.
5. You need to know that we feel like jerks for being upset. Seriously, if you are a good friend, we feel horrible we aren't skipping with you. We want to. Believe me, we want to. But our hearts are too heavy to fly with you and that makes us feel like horrible people and friends. We're sorry we're being bad friends in this time in your life.
6. We will come around. We may not be into going and doing your baby registry with you, we will probably cop out of your baby shower, but we will still send you a gift. Again, treat us like we're cats. We just need to come when we can do it. And refer to numbers 4&5. At some point we will [...]be back to normal, but not now, okay?
7. We want you to know that the most important thing we need from you is patience. We're going to be weird. We don't know what to do and you don't know what to do. You can't fix it and we can't fix it. This is something we'll just have to ride out. It will be okay and we just need you to keep loving us, because we will keep loving you.
My thoughts: I love these! They are so true! Awkwardly and embarrassingly true. I do wish that I knew these or at least a couple of these in the middle of our miscarriages. It's hard to know how to deal with what you need to, let alone know how to associate with other people while trying to cope.
I know that I made mistakes dealing with my infertility, I know some people were hurt. But what I need those people to understand is that we had no idea how to handle infertility and we knew even less about how to handle our friends and family's concerns or their pregnancies. We are still learning, infertility will always be part of our story now, even after we finally become parents. Infertility is part of our story, but it does not define who we are.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Recent happenings
Another note from "E" (girl, 7 yrs. old)
P.S. I never knew that song anyway. :)
*giggles!*
Her mother told me that after her field trip to the dairy farm,
the first thing she said was "It smelled! Just like Shaylee told me it would!"
My students are wonderful!
My view from the parking lot after work one night.
Sunrise at cable bridge, while on Clover Island.
We were volunteering for Girls on the Run.
One of Joseph's many Lincoln Log Creations,
this one was supposed to be taller than my mom, it was!
My favorite shoes of the moment, hooray for Kohl's Clearance!
Fact: I wore them yesterday, and Sunday and...
That's it for today,
busy busy week.
My last full week of work,
performance this saturday @KeHS graduation
+ lots of running around town picking up things
like balloons, cakes, flowers and programs.
Sunday = Seminary Graduation
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
When infertility strikes
I stumbled across this article on resolve.org, click here for the full article, it is a great article about how infertility effects families, so here is my summary of the article.
Infertility is widely acknowledged as a crisis for individuals and couples, it is less recognized as a trauma that impacts their families. Yet, involuntary childlessness is an inter generational crisis that has the ability to strain, even damage, family relationships overtime by impairing communications and interactions. Invisible losses, such as miscarriages, failed medical treatments, or adoptions gone awry may highlight a family's inadequate means of dealing with problems. However, the family experience of infertility also has the potential to bring out the best in the family system, promoting growth and well-being.
Some families faced with infertility grow closer and find ways to provide support, compassion, and understanding in the midst of the maelstrom of profound loss and despair. These families are able to handle the myriad or negative emotions of infertility, and weather the pain of its many losses.
Involuntary childlessness is an interruption of the family life cycle. Family building is a developmental stage that represents generate ugh or fostering the next generation. Infertility is the obstacle blocking these normal transitions and preventing family members from assuming new developmental roles. (roles like grandparent, parent, aunt & uncle). Interruption of Normal life cycles can highlight a family's unique flaws, precipitating negative behaviors such as parental favoritism, poor communication, and /or unhealthy coping strategies. In short infertility has the ability to distress not only the infertile couple but also their families, resulting in 'collateral damage' that lingers long after the problem of childlessness has been resolved.
Infertility brings sadness, loss, and a variety of negative emotions. Parents must be aware that watching a sibling move through the stages of pregnancy is typically most difficult for the infertile couple. Parents faced with their children's infertility are often baffled by this crisis. It is an 'invisible' loss, and a roller coaster of emotions.
The following are suggestions and advice for friends and family members of infertile couples. ( based on Patricia Irwin Johnston's Understanding infertility for friends and family)
• Acknowledge infertility as a medical and emotional crisis with a wide variety of losses, disappointments and 'costs': physical, financial, social, and marital. Do not attempt to deny or minimize involuntary childlessness either by avoiding the topic or offering empty platitudes like "everything will be fine" or "just relax".
• Be sensitive to the pain, stress, and emotional pressure of childlessness or the inability to expand one's family as desired. Try to frequently convey care and compassion and do not 'forget' the couple over time as the months and even years of infertility drag on. Be cognizant that some junctures in the journey may be more difficult than others such as after miscarriage, failed fertility treatments or surgery that fails to produce hoped for results.
• Be supportive. Do not assume you know what supportive means to your loved one but, instead, ask how you can be supportive. What would they find most helpful and useful?
• Emphasize the importance and value of the couple (and each partner) in the family. Encourage and welcome their involvement as a couple or individually in family events and activities. Once it occurs, infertility becomes a part of the family's history; how a family adapts and copes with the events and stress will be forever part of the family's past. Like any stressor, infertility can strain family functioning or improve it. Families need to be sensitive about the needs of the infertile couple, particularly around a child centered family gathering. It is important that they understand the infertile couple's decision, if they choose not to come.
• Always keep the lines of communication open. It is not a good idea to hide pregnancies 'out of kindness' or not invite the infertile couple to child-centered family events; or keep secrets out of fear of upsetting the couple. Always think about how things are told, as much as what is being told: tact, kindness and privacy can go a long way to soften the blow of difficult news.
• Respect the boundaries the infertile couple sets regarding their infertility. Some couples prefer a high level of privacy about infertility. Others choose a more open approach. When in doubt, ask the couple.
My thoughts:
I love the wording "involuntary childlessness" it's less harsh than saying infertility. Although I would say that I (Shaylee) suffer from infertility, (namely poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) and as a couple we suffer from involuntary childlessness.
The 'invisible' loss part is very true, you can't tell from looking at us that we are involuntarily childless. Which is why Joseph and I get asked about our kids or if we have any ( me at work, Joseph's dial-a-ride drivers ask) his approach is great: politely tell them it's none of their business, and inform them that we've have 4 miscarriages. But it does become more and more apparent the longer we have been married. Infertility has no set time frame we've been dealing with it most of our 6 year marriage.
Overall I did really enjoy this article, I didn't realize that out infertility or involuntary childlessness would be forever a part of our families history, it is and is even more so for us as we've chosen to be pretty open about our struggles. And we plan on being open still.
Infertility is widely acknowledged as a crisis for individuals and couples, it is less recognized as a trauma that impacts their families. Yet, involuntary childlessness is an inter generational crisis that has the ability to strain, even damage, family relationships overtime by impairing communications and interactions. Invisible losses, such as miscarriages, failed medical treatments, or adoptions gone awry may highlight a family's inadequate means of dealing with problems. However, the family experience of infertility also has the potential to bring out the best in the family system, promoting growth and well-being.
Some families faced with infertility grow closer and find ways to provide support, compassion, and understanding in the midst of the maelstrom of profound loss and despair. These families are able to handle the myriad or negative emotions of infertility, and weather the pain of its many losses.
Involuntary childlessness is an interruption of the family life cycle. Family building is a developmental stage that represents generate ugh or fostering the next generation. Infertility is the obstacle blocking these normal transitions and preventing family members from assuming new developmental roles. (roles like grandparent, parent, aunt & uncle). Interruption of Normal life cycles can highlight a family's unique flaws, precipitating negative behaviors such as parental favoritism, poor communication, and /or unhealthy coping strategies. In short infertility has the ability to distress not only the infertile couple but also their families, resulting in 'collateral damage' that lingers long after the problem of childlessness has been resolved.
Infertility brings sadness, loss, and a variety of negative emotions. Parents must be aware that watching a sibling move through the stages of pregnancy is typically most difficult for the infertile couple. Parents faced with their children's infertility are often baffled by this crisis. It is an 'invisible' loss, and a roller coaster of emotions.
The following are suggestions and advice for friends and family members of infertile couples. ( based on Patricia Irwin Johnston's Understanding infertility for friends and family)
• Acknowledge infertility as a medical and emotional crisis with a wide variety of losses, disappointments and 'costs': physical, financial, social, and marital. Do not attempt to deny or minimize involuntary childlessness either by avoiding the topic or offering empty platitudes like "everything will be fine" or "just relax".
• Be sensitive to the pain, stress, and emotional pressure of childlessness or the inability to expand one's family as desired. Try to frequently convey care and compassion and do not 'forget' the couple over time as the months and even years of infertility drag on. Be cognizant that some junctures in the journey may be more difficult than others such as after miscarriage, failed fertility treatments or surgery that fails to produce hoped for results.
• Be supportive. Do not assume you know what supportive means to your loved one but, instead, ask how you can be supportive. What would they find most helpful and useful?
• Emphasize the importance and value of the couple (and each partner) in the family. Encourage and welcome their involvement as a couple or individually in family events and activities. Once it occurs, infertility becomes a part of the family's history; how a family adapts and copes with the events and stress will be forever part of the family's past. Like any stressor, infertility can strain family functioning or improve it. Families need to be sensitive about the needs of the infertile couple, particularly around a child centered family gathering. It is important that they understand the infertile couple's decision, if they choose not to come.
• Always keep the lines of communication open. It is not a good idea to hide pregnancies 'out of kindness' or not invite the infertile couple to child-centered family events; or keep secrets out of fear of upsetting the couple. Always think about how things are told, as much as what is being told: tact, kindness and privacy can go a long way to soften the blow of difficult news.
• Respect the boundaries the infertile couple sets regarding their infertility. Some couples prefer a high level of privacy about infertility. Others choose a more open approach. When in doubt, ask the couple.
My thoughts:
I love the wording "involuntary childlessness" it's less harsh than saying infertility. Although I would say that I (Shaylee) suffer from infertility, (namely poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) and as a couple we suffer from involuntary childlessness.
The 'invisible' loss part is very true, you can't tell from looking at us that we are involuntarily childless. Which is why Joseph and I get asked about our kids or if we have any ( me at work, Joseph's dial-a-ride drivers ask) his approach is great: politely tell them it's none of their business, and inform them that we've have 4 miscarriages. But it does become more and more apparent the longer we have been married. Infertility has no set time frame we've been dealing with it most of our 6 year marriage.
Overall I did really enjoy this article, I didn't realize that out infertility or involuntary childlessness would be forever a part of our families history, it is and is even more so for us as we've chosen to be pretty open about our struggles. And we plan on being open still.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Posts soon to come
Lots of things to write about. I have some posts all written and ready to be published. I just finished reading "Heaven is Here" by Stefanie Nielson., otherwise known as the blogger NieNie. Her story is incredible and so honest, I was really touched and she was so brave to share her story, bad parts included: things she faced, and some of her darkest days. Let's be honest some of the things she talks about in her book don't cast the best light on herself, but she still shared them as an integral part of her story.
I can be brave like NieNie, and Joseph IS brave, we're going to share our story, and talk about our life. Not everything will be happy like rainbows and butterflies, but it will be honest and truly our story, and our story is happy, sad, silly, difficult and so many other adjectives. We're doing good but everyday is a new challenge and sometimes we struggle, we'll share our shortcomings and struggles as well as our triumphs.
Posts to look forward to:
•Joseph training for 5k, in his wheelchair
•Joseph's internship and future opportunities
•Shaylee curly hair tutorial
•Infertility posts
•Blindness posts
•Our summer plans, trips we want to take
•Our animals? Why we enjoy them.
What would you like to see us blog about?
Always feel free to ask questions, we'll answer them!
I can be brave like NieNie, and Joseph IS brave, we're going to share our story, and talk about our life. Not everything will be happy like rainbows and butterflies, but it will be honest and truly our story, and our story is happy, sad, silly, difficult and so many other adjectives. We're doing good but everyday is a new challenge and sometimes we struggle, we'll share our shortcomings and struggles as well as our triumphs.
Posts to look forward to:
•Joseph training for 5k, in his wheelchair
•Joseph's internship and future opportunities
•Shaylee curly hair tutorial
•Infertility posts
•Blindness posts
•Our summer plans, trips we want to take
•Our animals? Why we enjoy them.
What would you like to see us blog about?
Always feel free to ask questions, we'll answer them!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Massive Update
My Cyst: Thanks for all the well wishes! I am totally recovered, it took 2 whole weeks though. Mostly because I still worked the week after the rupture, because 2 weeks without pay is not an option. (spring break included) I apologize if the ultrasounds were "graphic", heaven knows I wish that they had a baby or two instead of a cyst & fluid. I posted the ultrasounds for journal purposes & I originally got the cd to share with my OBGYN. Oh well, I lived through it, and I have proof that I am one tough lady.
Joseph's Job: His internship ended the 1st week of May. But EnTrust negotiated to do another internship (3 months) starting in June. EnTrust is going through a HUGE transition right now, they are expanding and moving, and they want to include Joseph in the new business plan. We should know more soon & we'll know for sure by August what EnTrust has in mind.
Elder Swanger: On mother's day he called...his last mission call. He comes home in 3 months! It's so crazy, it doesn't seem like he's been gone that long. He is no longer a trainer & district leader, Dustin says it's a blessing, that he has been praying to be released. Prayer works! LOL. Dustin is moving to Branson Missouri, he thinks it will be his last area. It was great to talk to him!
Mother's Day: As a general rule I dislike Mother's Day. This year wasn't so bad, Joseph spoke in church, he did so well! And I was able to "squish" 2 cute babies, who like me, so that make thing better, usually. Little S & I blew kisses and bounced, and L & I disrupted Cumorah Practice and played with my necklace. I hope that when Father's Day rolls around that Joseph has a day like mine.
Shaylee Work: I will be working this summer, a total of 8 weeks.. and it looks like I'll have about 20 students. I was hoping for 20 -30 so it looks pretty good so far. I will work Tuesdays and Wednesdays 10- 5:30 and have the rest of the week off...I may be looking for part-time summer work to get us through. But that's what my KeHS money is for, I'll get paid at the end of the school year and that will help tremendously.
That's it for now... we are having dress rehearsal tonight for "From Cumorah's Hill". We (Mom, Joseph & I) will be preforming that tomorrow. Recital coming up, then seminary graduation....then summer.
Joseph's Job: His internship ended the 1st week of May. But EnTrust negotiated to do another internship (3 months) starting in June. EnTrust is going through a HUGE transition right now, they are expanding and moving, and they want to include Joseph in the new business plan. We should know more soon & we'll know for sure by August what EnTrust has in mind.
Elder Swanger: On mother's day he called...his last mission call. He comes home in 3 months! It's so crazy, it doesn't seem like he's been gone that long. He is no longer a trainer & district leader, Dustin says it's a blessing, that he has been praying to be released. Prayer works! LOL. Dustin is moving to Branson Missouri, he thinks it will be his last area. It was great to talk to him!
Mother's Day: As a general rule I dislike Mother's Day. This year wasn't so bad, Joseph spoke in church, he did so well! And I was able to "squish" 2 cute babies, who like me, so that make thing better, usually. Little S & I blew kisses and bounced, and L & I disrupted Cumorah Practice and played with my necklace. I hope that when Father's Day rolls around that Joseph has a day like mine.
Shaylee Work: I will be working this summer, a total of 8 weeks.. and it looks like I'll have about 20 students. I was hoping for 20 -30 so it looks pretty good so far. I will work Tuesdays and Wednesdays 10- 5:30 and have the rest of the week off...I may be looking for part-time summer work to get us through. But that's what my KeHS money is for, I'll get paid at the end of the school year and that will help tremendously.
That's it for now... we are having dress rehearsal tonight for "From Cumorah's Hill". We (Mom, Joseph & I) will be preforming that tomorrow. Recital coming up, then seminary graduation....then summer.
Pictures for your Patience
Cherry Blossom
Kitty "helping" me take pictures
T-Bone keeping me company in the backyard
Saturday, May 5, 2012
6 years ago today...
I married my best friend.
And he married me.
We're both a little weird, and that's okay.
Over the past years we've gotten to know our strengths,
as individuals, and as a couple.
We face our challenges together, hand in hand.
We know that we are better together.
Even though we have had our fair share of struggles,
we are a team, together forever.
We live simply.
And we always give it our best.
And even though it's been six years,
we still get butterflies.
We love each other,
that's true.
(More to come later, we've been busy celebrating, together having fun.)
Friday, April 13, 2012
basically...
This sums it up.
Taking a break.
Be back in a while.
It has been a really rough year,
I propose June 1 as a new beginning,
we're going to try it.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Not THAT kind of announcement...
Almost exactly a week ago, I woke up at midnight in complete agony. My abdomen both right and left and front to back was in extreme pain, so much pain and it was shooting down my legs. I was also nauseated. What ever was going on, was bad, really bad. Joseph woke up and I sent him up to get my Mom, once she knew what was going on we decided we needed to go to the hospital. But not before getting a priesthood blessing. As a result of the blessing, I was able to remain very calm the whole time, even while my pain level was a 9 (scale of 1-10).
After giving urine and blood samples (ruling out infection & pregnancy), they hooked me up with an IV with nausea & pain meds., (pain down to a 2) then the ultrasound tech came in to torture me, kidding, he was very good (pain up to a 4 after). They were able to determine that I had had an ovarian cyst rupture. And it was bad....
This is my left Ovary, which measured normal and looks great (size and cyst-wise)
This is my right ovary, which measured just over twice the size of the left, and had an enormous cyst that had recently ruptured. This is the biggest cyst I have ever had.
This is my uterus, from the side. The dark shadow is free fluid (expelled from the cyst) and blood, trapped behind my uterus. The fluid is NOT normal and can cause extreme pain.
Conclusion:
Enlarged Right ovary = Pain
Huge Cyst Rupture = Lots of Pain
Free Fluid/ Blood = Lots and Lots of Pain.
I was sent home with awesome pain and nausea medication.
Lots of rest & Water.
Yes, I have been working still, but not moving much.
And my pain has been manageable during the week.
Swelling will go down, and fluid will be re-obsorbed by my body.
Healing slowly.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
random
valentines day present from my sweetie!
for Briana, 90% of the time my hair is like this.
Always, always curly.
I don't know why I have so many straight hair pictures, they're misnomers really.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Why is motherhood so elusive?
Finally a diagnosis, conclusive.
So tired of treading water,
In want of a son or daughter.
The battle is raging still,
Ever steady, always uphill.
Oft surrounded by gloom,
Soon happiness will bloom.
Life isn't fair,
Wish I didn't care.
The hurt is real,
Wish I couldn't feel.
I don't want him sad,
He's so ready to be a dad.
Too much pain,
Experience for my gain.
This road is rough,
It's making me tough.
Pregnancy shouldn't be maybe,
It should always equal baby.
Waiting for my turn,
Still trying to learn,
We're on the Lord's time,
Not mine.
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