Gluten- Free for me

Well if the title didn't give it away I will now, I (Shaylee) am gluten intolerant. After coming up with this diagnosis, I've done lots and lots of research that I will share here, mingled in will be my story... thus far.

Definitions:
"Gluten sensitivity (also gluten intolerance) is a spectrum of disorders including celiac disease and allergy, in which gluten has an adverse effect on the body"
"Gluten is a protein composite found in food processed from wheat and related species, including barley and rye"  (Source)

Signs and Symptoms of Gluten intolerance
1. If you have eczema (or other skin rash) and no one seems to know the actual cause behind it, you may have some sort of food allergy.
2. If any of your blood related family members are gluten intolerant then you should get tested. (My Aunt, on my father's side is extremely gluten intolerant)
3. Symptoms associated with gluten intolerance:
-Weight loss/ or gain
- nutritional deficiencies due to malabsorption (ie. low iron)
- gastrointestinal problems (bloating, gas, pain, constipation & diarrhea)
- fat in stool
- aching joints
- depression
- eczema
- headaches
- exhaustion
- irritability, behavioral changes
- infertility, irregular menstrual cycles & miscarriage
- cramps, tingling and numbness
- slow infant and child growth
- decline in dental health.
(Source)

My symptoms include: skin rash on my arms, that looked a lot like Keratosis Pilaris, but didn't go away and got worse when I ate bread. Gastrointestinal discomforts, that mimic the side effects of metformin & headache that lasted all week.

After determining that these were symptoms, not side effects & that I am not sick, I consulted google and my doctor. We agreed that there is a link between gluten intolerance & PCOS, infertility and miscarriage. We also decided not to do a blood test, which can be expensive and inconclusive, instead just eliminating gluten from my diet.

Back to google, I wanted evidence that gluten intolerance may be connected to my infertility. Here are my findings:
The body has an innate intelligence that prevents pregnancy when the health of the mother and/or father are poor. To force pregnancy through unnatural means is a dangerous practice. miscarriage, spontaneous abortion, birth defects, infant developmental problems are common among those having children through treatments.
The 2 most common causes of infertility are pelvic inflammatory disorders and polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS. A study in the medical journal of human reproduction identified gluten sensitivity in as many and 8% of women with unexplained infertility problems. The following fertility issues have been linked to gluten sensitivity: (only listed are those that I have had) PCOS, diabetes (or insulin resistance), amenorrhea (absence of menstrual cycle), spontaneous abortion & multiple miscarriages. Gluten intolerance has become a modern plague on human fertility. (Sources here, here and here)

So I then I went on to research what does and doesn't have gluten in it. and because my symptoms included my skin, I need to cut gluten out of my life entirely. Do you know how many thing have gluten in them? Everything, basically.

Cutting gluten out of my diet hasn't been the hard part, it's ridding myself of products that have gluten in them. So far I have replaced my soap (to Dove), deodorant (to Dove), toothpaste (Colgate), face wash (Neutragena, tons of gluten- free options)  & some makeup (Physicians Formula & E.L.F are entirely gluten free make up lines). Luckily a lot of my beauty products are gluten free, way to go Paul Mitchell (I use Super Skinny Serum, Round Trip & Worked up), my shampoo and conditioner (Garnier Fructis), my lotions (Melaleuca's Renew & Hempz), my laundry detergent (Melaleuca). I find myself double checking labels on EVERYTHING. Especially after having a little set back a few days into going gluten free, I used products with gluten- totally on accident, and got a dry itchy rash.

Isn't this absolutely insane? I am 1 week into being gluten- free internally and topically, and I already feel better; no headache, stomach is great, skin is clearing up, I have more energy & sleep better.
I'll keep you posted as I go.

A letter...

So Long 2010,
We're sorry to tell you that we did  not like you very much. Don't feel bad, it's not all your fault, your predecessor  left us in a state of shock & disbelief- a direct result of Joseph's being diagnosed as legally blind. Not to worry you, we were very quick to act, even before you came around. Our time with you tested the very limit of what we could endure, in a very different way than ever before. No, you are not the worst year we have had, but you are still not looking too good. Please don't think that we hated you, our time together wasn't all bad. We've had some great adventures too: working with DSB, amazing DSB counselors, braille classes, computer classes, flying to Idaho, 1st TL Mecham family reunion,  camping at Mt. Rainier, getting two nieces, Sam and Kaelee getting married, working in Primary, Joseph subbing for seminary, Thanksgiving with the Mechams & Toths, among other things....ending with the Swanger family (extended too) gathering at Ensign Ranch for Christmas. There are some things about you we'd like to forget but also good memories that we will hold onto. We rang in 2011 (early) with our family at Diana and Matt's log cabin, with giant bonfire. During our year together we learned that we are both stronger and braver that we thought possible and plan on rising from the ashes o 2010 with renewed hope for good things to come in 2011. No hard feelings.

Sincerely,
Joseph & Shaylee

Finding me Again

Being human and being subject to this mortal existence, the concept of me or my perception of myself will always be changing, as life is always changing. If I didn’t change I would be a hard, rigid and intolerant being. I try not to be that. I want to be a kind, caring and gracious woman. That being said, I feel that infertility has robbed me, taken away parts of me that I am sill piecing  back together, even two years after our last miscarriage. Along with Infertility, Joseph’s loss of sight has wounded me, wounded us. Those trials have been a severe beating personally for each of us as well as to our marriage.

“Heavenly Father loves us unconditionally especially in the face of out trials. He knows our individual worth and our potential. For some reason, when we are faced with seemingly unending trials, we may feel that our Heavenly Father doesn’t love us. He does, and He knows exactly how we will benefit from our trials. He is the master sculptor and refiner, and though we cannot see our ultimate potential when we look in the mirror, He sees us for who we will ultimately become.” (Lost Children, R.J. Christensen)

While Heavenly Father never loses sight of our individual worth and divine potential, we can and do.  I know I have. During the thick of it I became what I had to in order to survive & cope.  Having “witnessed the repeating pattern of life, which begins with birth and ends with death, and [viewing] this as natural and normal. But death before birth…well that does not seem to fit our understanding…” (Christensen) I built up walls to protect myself during the constant upheaval of my idea of what my life was supposed to be. I did what I knew I had to. Some days I just went through the motions. All the while trying to figure out and understand what was happening, why it was happening, what was wrong, how to fix it, if it could be fixed.

Miscarriage is so difficult to understand, even more difficult to talk about as it is somewhat of a taboo topic. This quote is the best I found to express my feelings about it. "This was a real baby, and we were planning and preparing for it. But not everyone [understands]  the whole gamut of emotions we [face]. For many, miscarrying may not seem the same as losing a loved one, but for the mother (I'll add father as well) experiencing it, that pregnancy was the beginning of the greatest love of [their lives]." (Christensen).

"The most severe cases of grief result from a death that is unexpected, tragic or unexplained. Miscarriage falls into each of these categories." I will add that Joseph's blindness fits also. We mourn our lost babies, our failed attempts at parenthood, we mourn for the family we could have had. We mourn for Joseph's sight, and how that has changed our relationship. These things are HUGE, they are life-altering, they've helped make us who we are today. They've helped us bond together, throughout it all there has been one constant: our marriage. We face our challenges head on, face first, together holding hands. We are a team.

We've deal with infertility: the uncertainty, the tests, the hormones, the drugs, the surgeries, the scars, the bills. We deal with Multiple Sclerosis: the uncertainty, the MRI's, the Dr appointments, the medication, the heat sensitivity, the steroids. We deal with blindness: the uncertainty, the doctor visits, the diagnosis, the exams, the resting nystagmus, the white cane, the paperwork, braille, adaptive technology. We've done adoption paperwork: the pile of paperwork, the health checks, the background checks, the fingerprinting, the interviews, the research, we've had our personalities, relationships and marriage dissected and investigated then spelled out on paper for a committee to tell us if we are approved to be prospective adoptive parents.

Life is hard, it's brutally painful, but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? Sure. I am helpless to fix Joseph's vision, as much as he was helpless to fix my reproductive system. But we are both here, one-hundred percent absolutely unconditionally for one another. We are growing, and learning together. I am fighting for Joseph's right for health care. He is doing all he can to adapt and learn new skills, in fact he is currently looking into getting some sort of internship and getting back to work. Yes, he IS absolutely amazing!! The adoption stuff is in limbo- our situation is what it is and we've let our case worker know as our profile is near extinction (in other words they only keep profiles inactive for so long, and we've gone a little longer than that). We are now waiting to hear if in our current situation we can be approved to adopt, if we can we'll finish, and fast! If not... well we will see now won't we?!

We're doing all we can we're trying to be proactive in advocating infertility awareness, adoption, multiple sclerosis and blindness. But we're getting impatient. When will life stop being so darn hard? when can we have a home of our very own? When will we be a family that includes children?

Neal A Maxwell said "Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know best- better than God does, or, at least we are asserting that our time table is better than His." I hope one day soon our patience in the Lord's time table will pay off...

A weighty topic

**warning not for boys** it's also a touchy topic. I want to lose weight, as I'm sure a good percentage of female bloggers out there are in the same boat. I've lost sizes & mass but the scale hasn't moved much. I have done good maintaining with slim in 6. But it is time to change it up. I've bought biggest loser workout (power sculpt) I will start week 3 /6 Monday as well as swimming lessons, I'll be biking 3 days a week to the pool (1 1/4 miles) too.

I'm at a plateau; a size 10 wearing plateau. While that's a couple of sizes below the national average, it's NOT where I want to be. I want to be the size I was when I was dating Joseph, namely a 6/8. It was a good healthy size and my weight was okay- not the too much I am now. At that size I was strong and confident, just right not too small, not too big. Healthy.

I suffer from body hate. I hate on my body- it's failed me. My poor body has been through a lot though, our struggle with 4 miscarriages, surgeries and insulin resistance. I bear scars, while some are cool, and have neat stories  to go with them. There are the scars I don't like & sometimes hate- the weight I gained and well my boobs. (see I told you: not for boys) They got larger with each pregnancy, I'd like to lose a significant amount of weight and at least one cup size, get back to a 36C not the 36D I am at.

Part of my weight loss goals are for our family plans. I feel that I would have a better chance at a normal or healthy pregnancy if I was at a healthier weight. I (we) are so baby hungry it makes me (us) crazy. We want a family & home of our own, so much it hurts. I'm insanely jealous of our more fertile friends and family.

That's my big motivation. My amazing husband, our plans for the future. Be Healthy. Stay Strong. Build up self-confidence that has been ravaged by infertility. As always continue to support my husband who is working his tail off to learn new skills to adapt to the new world of blindness. Speaking of skills- I am SO behind in Braille!

We have reached the end of my body-hate rant. But this has become my journal, you know.

Our summer goals:

• Break my plateau
• Shaylee: catch up in Braille
• Ride tandem bike more
• Walk/ jog puppy most days
• get a tan, freckles included (not hard, I'll be swimming soon)
• Read some good books, (read or listen)
• go camping (at least once)
• disappear together, for a day or two or three
• Joseph: find and secure internship (through DSB)
• Joseph: finish Braille classes (next week is week 6/10)

Personal, I know but I figured if I put this out there I may find more motivation. Especially if I get to post and toast my successes along the way.

-S

Life Lessons

These are my beliefs & lessons that I've learned,

and will probably continue to learn my whole life long.

We are all here on earth to learn. Our loving Heavenly Father sent us to "this mortal probation [which] is a perfectly arranged test" (All These Things shall give thee Experience, Neal A. Maxwell). We are tested and tried and to prove ourselves and become as God is. We all have hard times- or trials, it's universal. Although the trials vary person to person. These trials are meant to help us learn, help us grow and become better people.

Trials are interesting. They affect us in different ways, and invoke different reactions. There are many common reactions to trials including trying to run away, look for an easy button and lastly face it and fight. I've learned that when you run away there's no where to hide. Your problems follow you, they don't disappear when you close your eyes. I've learned that there's usually no easy way out. "If it's not fair, it's not a true trial. Whit out irony, inexplicableness and injustice it may not stretch us sufficiently" (Maxwell). If we could just wave a wand and "abra cadabra" they all go away, we wouldn't learn anything. Then later we'd find that we were what needed to the fixing, and the trial the method.

"Life is a school of experience" (Maxwell). I am learning that trials all have lessons attached to them. We may not see them or we may choose to take the "woah is me" road and host a pity party. I am learning to trust my Heavenly Father. He knows best. He knows me. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

C.S. Lewis said in his book Mere Christianity:

Imagine yourself as a living house, God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what he is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of- throwing out a new wing here, putting in an extra floor there, running up the towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage, but He is building a palace."

Besides the painful remodeling with trials, I need to trust the Lord's timing. And it may take me a lifetime to learn, but I'll sure try. I've seen a few times in my life when things happened on the Lord's time table and not mine- and for reasons I wouldn't understand until later. For example the Lord prompted Joseph and I to start our family- instead of a family we've endured miscarriages & surgeries. But Doctor's wouldn't have known anything was wrong with me, reproductively. It's been almost two years since our 4th miscarriage we're still childless- then my husband lost his vision. It has been a blessing in disguise that we don't have kids while adjusting to our new life, I feel it would be so hard on us & definitely kids, if we had kids. I don't know where we'll be in a year, I don't know what we'll be doing. But I do know that things will work out, all will be well...

eventually.

*J&S*

Keeping up Hope

Lately we've heard the comment that people are impressed with how positive Joseph and I have been through all our trials. The first thing I'd have to say regarding our positivity, is that our attitude is our choice. And every single day, we have to make that decision over again. The choice between letting our circumstances rule us, or to take charge and have faith, courage, and hope to make the best out of it.

The second thing I'd say is that we're not so positive everyday, or even all day long. Sometimes its all just too much. The day the doctor gave the diagnosis: legally blind, optic nerve damage. That was WAY too much. We had so much hope going into the appointment, and left with our lives changed- much like another appointment I've blogged about. We had been coping with the vision loss as temporary but the day we found out it's permanence, the coping strategy changed. Before calling our parents, or even going home, as both were unfathomable .The news weighed heavily upon us, so we instead went down to the river and sat on the docks. The days following the appointment, we were zombies- so much so that we didn't remember to eat. Things are much better than that week, but it is still hard.

We feel the pains of our struggle with infertility again somedays, sometimes more that others. Lately it's been hard because we know so many people who are expecting. At least on in every group of friends we belong to, literally, no exaggeration. We just want to be a family. On bad days I think to myself that they'll all getting fat and I'm losing weight. No offense, but it makes me laugh and feel better.

And we have found a new love together, that we enjoy, especially when stress runs high... Dr. Seuss. I don't know what Joseph likes more, Dr Seuss' literary style or my struggling to read it out loud correctly. I'll share some wisdom from our little Seuss library. (edited because it's long)

Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you chose
you're on you're own. And you know what you know
and YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
(...)
out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
as footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don't worry, don't stew.
Just go right along
You'll start happening too.
OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!!
(...)
Except when you don't
Because sometimes you won't
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickley perch
and your gang will fly on.
(...)
You'll be left in a lurch
You'll come down from the lurch.
With an unpleasant bump.
And chances are, then,
that you'll be in a slump.
And when you're in a slump
you're not in for much fun,
un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

Oh the places you'll go! There's fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won!
*and make you the winning-est winner of all.
Except sometimes when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't
(...)

Whether you like it or not,
alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants
There are some, down the road between hither and yon.
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go.
though weather be fowl.
(...) on you will go though your enemies prowl
onward up many
a frightening creek
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
so be sure when you step
stop with great care and great tact
and remember that life's
a great Balancing act
... And will you succeed?
Yes! you will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed)

On bad days I'll read this and other ones too. And we've gotten a kick out of changing the colors of the illustrations on Joseph's enlarger. But there are days when we're grumpy. Days when we want to bury our heads in the sand. Days when we want to give up. Day we want to scream. Day when people's comments don't bounce off us like they should. Day when we want to curl up under the covers and hide. But there are also good days. Days when we laugh and giggle 'til we cry, or have to pee. Those are good days.

When you think things are bad,
when you feel sour and blue,
when you start to get mad...
you should do what I do!

Just tell yourself, Duckie,
you're really quite lucky!
Some people are much more...
oh, ever so much more...
oh, muchly much-much more
unlucky than you!

It's a troublesome world. All the people who are in it
are troubled with troubles almost every minute.
You ought to be thankful, a whole heaping lot,
for the places and people you're lucky you're not!

Thank goodness for all of the things you are not!
Thank goodness you're not something someone forgot,
and left all alone in some punkerish place
like a rusty tin coat hanger hanging in space.

That why I say, "Duckie!
Don't grumble! Don't Stew!
Some critters are much-much,
Oh, ever so much-much,
so muchly much-much more unlucky than you!"

*s*

Thanks Dr Seuss for the quotes!! Oh, the places you'll go! and Did I ever tell you how lucky you are?

My Reflections...

I don't necessarily consider myself "infertile" in a permanent sense. I have bee pregnant four times and still don't have a baby. And I still haven't had a definative answer froma doctor as to where or not I can actually have a baby. Sometimes I feel like I've lost control of my body, adn don't really know where to find the remote again and get it back.
On Biological Parenthood :It is so confusing, what we thought should have been so a fiven- having a baby, what has been commanded- multiply and replenish the earth, it isn't happening for us, now.My body isn't working the way it should and I feel helpless in attempting to "fix" the problem. What should have been easy has become physically and emotionally challenging. Sometimes I "will" my body to function properly, but getting and staying pregnant doesn't really work that way. It is an emotional and complicated process coming to terms with the possibility of not having a biological child.
On Pregnancy Loss: I have been pregnant, I can say that. I have had morning sickness, fatigue & weight gain. I claim those experiences as my own. I really would like to experience the 2nd and 3rd trimesters.. and what follows. I am jealous of the women I know who are pregnant at a time when I was too & now have their babies and 2 even are pregnant with their second children! However I do not miss the post-pregnancy weight loss struggle becuase hEY, I am there!I am working on losing weight from those pregnancies and resulting surgeries.
On Healing and Greiving:I've been poked, prodded, medicated and discussed. I've fought, struggled, grieved, and made sacrifices. My self esteem has been pummeled and my marriage has been stretched beyond belief and still grown stronger. We must grieve what we've lost, we are grieving things that we don't fully understand. So to give ourselves some time to heal and to help us to concentrate on adoption. We decided not to get pregnant for a while.. to facilitate this I had an IUD put in, back in June and having done this we've felt some relief and we plan on keeping it in place for at least a year .

I know this can't be the most entertaining or interesting post to read and it is probably more for me than anyone else who reads it but I feel better having gotten some of that out in the open.

-S