I stumbled across this article on resolve.org, click here for the full article, it is a great article about how infertility effects families, so here is my summary of the article.
Infertility is widely acknowledged as a crisis for individuals and couples, it is less recognized as a trauma that impacts their families. Yet, involuntary childlessness is an inter generational crisis that has the ability to strain, even damage, family relationships overtime by impairing communications and interactions. Invisible losses, such as miscarriages, failed medical treatments, or adoptions gone awry may highlight a family's inadequate means of dealing with problems. However, the family experience of infertility also has the potential to bring out the best in the family system, promoting growth and well-being.
Some families faced with infertility grow closer and find ways to provide support, compassion, and understanding in the midst of the maelstrom of profound loss and despair. These families are able to handle the myriad or negative emotions of infertility, and weather the pain of its many losses.
Involuntary childlessness is an interruption of the family life cycle. Family building is a developmental stage that represents generate ugh or fostering the next generation. Infertility is the obstacle blocking these normal transitions and preventing family members from assuming new developmental roles. (roles like grandparent, parent, aunt & uncle). Interruption of Normal life cycles can highlight a family's unique flaws, precipitating negative behaviors such as parental favoritism, poor communication, and /or unhealthy coping strategies. In short infertility has the ability to distress not only the infertile couple but also their families, resulting in 'collateral damage' that lingers long after the problem of childlessness has been resolved.
Infertility brings sadness, loss, and a variety of negative emotions. Parents must be aware that watching a sibling move through the stages of pregnancy is typically most difficult for the infertile couple. Parents faced with their children's infertility are often baffled by this crisis. It is an 'invisible' loss, and a roller coaster of emotions.
The following are suggestions and advice for friends and family members of infertile couples. ( based on Patricia Irwin Johnston's Understanding infertility for friends and family)
• Acknowledge infertility as a medical and emotional crisis with a wide variety of losses, disappointments and 'costs': physical, financial, social, and marital. Do not attempt to deny or minimize involuntary childlessness either by avoiding the topic or offering empty platitudes like "everything will be fine" or "just relax".
• Be sensitive to the pain, stress, and emotional pressure of childlessness or the inability to expand one's family as desired. Try to frequently convey care and compassion and do not 'forget' the couple over time as the months and even years of infertility drag on. Be cognizant that some junctures in the journey may be more difficult than others such as after miscarriage, failed fertility treatments or surgery that fails to produce hoped for results.
• Be supportive. Do not assume you know what supportive means to your loved one but, instead, ask how you can be supportive. What would they find most helpful and useful?
• Emphasize the importance and value of the couple (and each partner) in the family. Encourage and welcome their involvement as a couple or individually in family events and activities. Once it occurs, infertility becomes a part of the family's history; how a family adapts and copes with the events and stress will be forever part of the family's past. Like any stressor, infertility can strain family functioning or improve it. Families need to be sensitive about the needs of the infertile couple, particularly around a child centered family gathering. It is important that they understand the infertile couple's decision, if they choose not to come.
• Always keep the lines of communication open. It is not a good idea to hide pregnancies 'out of kindness' or not invite the infertile couple to child-centered family events; or keep secrets out of fear of upsetting the couple. Always think about how things are told, as much as what is being told: tact, kindness and privacy can go a long way to soften the blow of difficult news.
• Respect the boundaries the infertile couple sets regarding their infertility. Some couples prefer a high level of privacy about infertility. Others choose a more open approach. When in doubt, ask the couple.
My thoughts:
I love the wording "involuntary childlessness" it's less harsh than saying infertility. Although I would say that I (Shaylee) suffer from infertility, (namely poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) and as a couple we suffer from involuntary childlessness.
The 'invisible' loss part is very true, you can't tell from looking at us that we are involuntarily childless. Which is why Joseph and I get asked about our kids or if we have any ( me at work, Joseph's dial-a-ride drivers ask) his approach is great: politely tell them it's none of their business, and inform them that we've have 4 miscarriages. But it does become more and more apparent the longer we have been married. Infertility has no set time frame we've been dealing with it most of our 6 year marriage.
Overall I did really enjoy this article, I didn't realize that out infertility or involuntary childlessness would be forever a part of our families history, it is and is even more so for us as we've chosen to be pretty open about our struggles. And we plan on being open still.
2 comments:
I hadn't thought about it being a forever part of your past. But it is so true. The only thing that helped me through our struggles was that we had faith in the Lord. I don't know how people can make it through without Him there to comfort and mourn with you. And to be your strength when you have none left. I think about you all the time and really appreciated your email when we were going through our struggle. It is always nice to talk to someone who knows about what you are going through. You both are in my prayers. If there is one thing i have learned in all this it is that He has a very specific plan for us. That these challenges are put before us to draw us closer to him so that we can be with him again for all eternity! You have have been so positive and open about all of this and i can't tell you how much i admire and respect you for that!
It will definitely be a part of you forever because even 7 children later, there is still a part of me that feels "infertile." It makes very little sense, but it is what it is.
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