I am an infertility survivor

And as such I have some issues dealing with other people's  pregnancies. So here are some ground rules to follow, taken from Ashley at feigning fertility. HERE is the original post, on Ashley's blog.

What we infertility survivors need our pregnant friends and family to understand is the following:

1. Your news, while brilliant and amazing, is going to hurt. You are not hurting us. You did not hurt us and we know you love us. What hurts is that every time we see some one else pregnant, we're slapped with the fact that we are not. Every announcement is another moment where we have to face our defective bodies and empty arms. It's not you, it really isn't.

2. We will need our space. The only thing that will get us through our own struggles with our infertility is patience. I've heard  people express that infertile women need to get over it, because pregnant people are everywhere and we can't avoid it , so why let it bother us? Because we are painfully aware that pregnancy is everywhere. We face it every single day, not just during pregnancy announcements or baby showers... When one of our friends is pregnant, we have to look at it and frankly, it's an overload. Let us come to you ( pretend we are a cat) and mostly, [...] know that we love you, but we need our space.

3. Do not. Do NOT appear ungrateful for your pregnancy [...] we're aware that if we ask how you're feeling, you're probably not feeling like sunshine and roses.  A good response would be "tired, a little queasy. How are you?". We're trying to be polite, we really are concerned about you, but a long drawn out whine about your vomiting isn't needed. It's hard to listen to someone moan and groan about something you would be really grateful for. We get that it's not a walk in the park, but if we were in your shoes, our response would be " tired, a little queasy, but thrilled!". We need to know that you know how blessed you are. That we'd do anything to be as uncomfortable as you are.

4. We need you to know that our pain is not about you. We know that you're going to be a great parent. We know you are grateful. We wouldn't take it from you so we could have it. But we wonder what we did wrong that we can't have it too. Not "instead" but "also". I love my friends and wouldn't have taken their pregnancies away from them so I could do it instead, but I would have given anything to be pregnant also.

5. You need to know that we feel like jerks for being upset. Seriously, if you are a good friend, we feel horrible we aren't skipping with you. We want to. Believe me, we want to. But our hearts are too heavy to fly with you  and that makes us feel like horrible people and friends. We're sorry we're being bad friends in this time in your life.

6. We will come around. We may not be into going and doing your baby registry with you, we will probably cop out of your baby shower, but we will still send you a gift. Again,  treat us like we're cats. We just need to come when we can do it. And refer to numbers 4&5. At some point we will [...]be back to normal, but not now, okay?

7. We want you to know that the most important thing we need from you is patience. We're going to be weird. We don't know what to do and you don't know what to do. You can't fix it and we can't fix it. This is something we'll just have to ride out. It will be okay and we just need you to keep loving us, because we will keep loving you.

My thoughts: I love these! They are so true! Awkwardly and embarrassingly true. I do wish that I knew these or at least a couple of these in the middle of our miscarriages.  It's  hard to know how to deal with what you need to, let alone know how to associate with other people while trying to cope.

I know that I made mistakes dealing with my infertility, I know some people were hurt. But what I need those people to understand is that we had no idea how to handle infertility and we knew even less about how to handle our friends and family's concerns or their pregnancies.  We are still learning, infertility will always be part of our story now, even after we finally become parents. Infertility is part of our story, but it does not define who we are.