I don't necessarily consider myself "infertile" in a permanent sense. I have bee pregnant four times and still don't have a baby. And I still haven't had a definative answer froma doctor as to where or not I can actually have a baby. Sometimes I feel like I've lost control of my body, adn don't really know where to find the remote again and get it back.
On Biological Parenthood :It is so confusing, what we thought should have been so a fiven- having a baby, what has been commanded- multiply and replenish the earth, it isn't happening for us, now.My body isn't working the way it should and I feel helpless in attempting to "fix" the problem. What should have been easy has become physically and emotionally challenging. Sometimes I "will" my body to function properly, but getting and staying pregnant doesn't really work that way. It is an emotional and complicated process coming to terms with the possibility of not having a biological child.
On Pregnancy Loss: I have been pregnant, I can say that. I have had morning sickness, fatigue & weight gain. I claim those experiences as my own. I really would like to experience the 2nd and 3rd trimesters.. and what follows. I am jealous of the women I know who are pregnant at a time when I was too & now have their babies and 2 even are pregnant with their second children! However I do not miss the post-pregnancy weight loss struggle becuase hEY, I am there!I am working on losing weight from those pregnancies and resulting surgeries.
On Healing and Greiving:I've been poked, prodded, medicated and discussed. I've fought, struggled, grieved, and made sacrifices. My self esteem has been pummeled and my marriage has been stretched beyond belief and still grown stronger. We must grieve what we've lost, we are grieving things that we don't fully understand. So to give ourselves some time to heal and to help us to concentrate on adoption. We decided not to get pregnant for a while.. to facilitate this I had an IUD put in, back in June and having done this we've felt some relief and we plan on keeping it in place for at least a year .
I know this can't be the most entertaining or interesting post to read and it is probably more for me than anyone else who reads it but I feel better having gotten some of that out in the open.
-S
1 comment:
Thank you so much for sharing all of that. I know it has been hard on you guys and it takes a lot to open up and tell people about it. As for your feelings toward friends it normal. Heck, we have been trying since Feb and haven't had anything happen yet for us and I know its hard not to take it personally especially when people around you are getting pregnant and carrying full term. I feel resentment a lot towards my friends that weren't trying or didn't originally want kids and are pregnant and I know I shouldn't but we are all human. I cant imagine what you went through and I know it was tough though. Just know I think and pray for you often. I will try and give you a call this weekend so we can catch up some more.
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