You know most of the time I think that I do really well, I try really hard at it anyway. I even practice my brave face in the mirror.. no not really. But maybe I should...
I love school, but more than that I love that I am almost done with school. I want out of Rexburg soooo bad. I hate how I am literally surrounded by pregnant girls, yesterday I saw more pregnant ladies than I can count on two fists...not kidding, and not exaggerating... to top it off a girl in my class announced that she is expecting. (followed by a quiet brave face)
I am happy for people who are willing and able to have kids, but it does hurt me. It hurts becuase I feel like I can't and I am terrified to try because I am tired, I am tired of miscarrying and tired of surgeries. I am tired of people being worried about us or only asking how are you feeling... I am tired of my sweet husband following me to disappointing doctor appointments or holding my hand while I lay in a hospital bed after surgery. I am emotionally and physically worn out. I want more than anything to be a mom, but having this kind of exposure makes it really hard not to feel the impact of the fact that I am childless. I don't like to dwell on that fact but I was overcome with it yesterday...I had a good cry, but I never learn, I need to cry when I need to cry and not to hold it in until I am too tired to hold it any longer.
I have many friends who are pregnant and I am genuinely happy for you, really truly. But our plan is to adopt and I was overwhelmed today by the flow of support of my classmates who have asked questions and shown real interest. It means a lot and it means even more how quickly people have shown support and enthusiasim for adoption..thanks
-S
5 comments:
Oh my gosh, I can't wait for you to get out of Rexburg!!! It seriously helps SO much to be in the real world where not everyone is popping out babies like a couple of rabbits : )
I didn't get married until I was almost 33. I lived in Provo up until I was 28. Everybody was getting married and having kids. About half of the time that I went to the temple I cried because the blessing that were eternal were not mine. And half of the time I was at the temple, I felt comfort. Waiting on the Lord can be frusterating. It's hard to live by faith, but essential.
I'm sorry that you had such a rough day. I hope that you feel better.
i think moving will help you so much! it almost sounds like a military base with all those babies and preggos around!
when you do your brave face (adorable) just say "i am 22, and have about 20 more years ahead of me to have biological children!"
chin up!love you!
I'm sorry about the trials you've had to deal with Shaylee. Trials are never fun and so frustrating too. My mom had 8 miscarriages but also had 6 healthy children. Don't give up, you are plenty young! Anything is possible.. even though that might be hard to see at times. Thanks for the comment on my blog. I like the name Shaylee too but I already have a niece named that so I better not use that name too!! Hope you're having a better day. Keep your chin up girl.
The bad days are there to help us appreciate the good. You know that when the time is right, some "smart" young girl is going to pick you and Joe to be parents to her biological child. Hang in there. Mom
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