This last semester (summer) I started off with a really bad two weeks, a doctors appointment in which we were told our baby had no heartbeat, the next week we had a D&C, a lump removed from my hand then that Sunday I ended up in the ER with gastrointeritis. Then Monday Joe got it. I had a hard semester, I worked my butt off and it paid off, my grades showed it. I noticed that I had pretty much no self esteem, I worked hard and stayed quiet in my classes and shy in percussion ensemble. This semester my percussion ensemble intructor noticed, he told me a couple days before the concert that he hadn't had to tell me to play louder this semester and I was doing good and seemed to be more confident. His comment got me thinking.
I still have a lot to deal with, I need to accept myself a little more, I accept our situation but I blame myself so much. I have absolutely no desire to be pregnant (ever at this point) I am completely okay with adopting. Being okay with this doesn't solve my body issues. I had a lot wrong with me that was fixed through surgeries, but for some reason I still miscarry. A reason unknown to us or our doctors. Getting pregnant terrifies me, because our pregnancies don't equal babies, our pregnancies all end in.... well.. death. I don't want to live being afraid of getting pregnant, and I am so tired of losing babies.
Because of all this I have had issues liking my body, it just seems to cause so much trouble. I had trouble liking my body, because of all the pregnancies with surgeries in between, I had gained a lot of weight which made me unhappy. I have been working on losing the weight and working out and it has changed my body, I have lost weight and : 2 of the 3 pant sizes that I had gained, about 6 inches from my waist, my collar bones are visible, and I have gained a ....wait for it...a butt (hee hee) I have never really had a butt before and doing squats has changed that, lol. My skinny jeans are waiting anxiously in the closet, I am so close to being able to wear them again.
But being skinnier feels great I feel like I look good and that it wonderful,the measuring tape has become my friend, but I still feel broken, my body still doesn't work the way it should. But today I found something that helped me with my body. This:
I am the hour glass shape,yes, my husband tells me I am but this chart proved it, I was more of a rectangle while I was chubby but with my shunken (and still shrinking) waistline I am an hour glass, I like this fact.
I share all this because that it has been on my mind lately and I just wanted to share it.
-S
3 comments:
Well, I hate this. My hips are just at 2 inches larger than my bust. And my waist is 7 inches smaller than my bust. That means that I am a spoon. Very close to a rectangle. I'd much rather be an hourglass.
Man this chart is kind of frustrating, but it is the nicest one that I found, other ones used shapes that didn't seem very positive to anyone. But like I told my primary kids when one made a fat comment about another teacher, God made people in all shapes and sizes and that is a beautiful thing.
You got me at a growley moment. I've been thinking about it. I guess I equated spoon with pear. Craig likes my lower half, so I should not let myself go overboard on stuff, and just be happy I am back in my skinny jeans (for the first time since Boaz was born) and continue to be happy with that.
I'm glad that you are getting close to your skinny jeans too. We should have a skinny jean party and celebrate with Ben and Jerry's. And then of course go for a really long walk. :)
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