"For this child I have prayed..."

By Sherilyn Clarke Stinson

(I pulled out some thoughts from this 13-page article to share with you all- Thanks Lindsey!)

As Latter-day saints, we place tremendous importance on families. We believe the psalmist who proclaimed"Children are an heritage of the Lord.. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them." From girlhood, women are taught that motherhood is the greatest career, most assume that one need only be obedient to obtain the blessing of parenthood.

The experiences of LDS couples and fertility usually include:

Isolation and Alienation: couples experiencing infertility often feel uncomfortable in ward and family activities, feeling that they don't fit in. Baby blessings, Mother's day programs, and even some relief society lessons can be very painful.

Marital Stress: the pressures of trying to create a family, combined with grief and loss issues related to infertility create stress within a marriage. A couple has the opportunity to pull together of pull apart.
Role Identity and Self Esteem: one researcher identifies infertility as a "catastrophic role failure for women" Although father hood is a role most of our priesthood brethren look forward to, men generally define themselves according to their careers and priesthood duties.

Gender Differences: Wives may express grief, husbands often manifest bewilderment. His wife is hurting and he doesn't know how to fix it. Socialized to be the protector/fixer, he may have a tendancy to look for practical solutions and attitudes. Wanting only to be held and consoled, his wife may misinterpret his best efforts as a lack of feeling.

Grief and Loss: Grief and loss are a very real part of infertility. It is the loss of a dream. couples often submit themselves to great discomfort, great expense, and tremendous emotional risk with each procedure. Each failure can be devastating, but often few are aware of their loss. Because infertility is so intensely private, well-meaning friends and family may feel frustration not knowing how to approach with support. Please be patient and sensitive.

Now for some myths about adoption.

Myth #1 :Children who are placed for adoption are not wanted by their birth parents:
One birth mother wrote: " I wanted Milli to have the best ife possible. I didn't ever want her to go withour anything. I as 18 years old and unmarried. There was no way I could have provided for her."I have sent pictures and keepsakes so that she will always know that I care..."

Myth #2: Birth parents can come back and take away my adopted child:
Adoption laws have been established to protect children legally placed for adoption, as long as adoption statutes are observed there is little chance birth parents could reclaim the child once their rights have been legally terminated.

Myth #3 Adopted chilkdren are more likely to have mental and emotional problems:
in 1994 a study conducted by the search institute, adolescents who were adopted as infants actually scored hight than children in single-parent homes in areas of academic achievement, social competency, self-confidence, and security.

Myth #4 All adopted children are exceptional:
They truly are celebrated children, but as President Hinckley said:"The fact is...most children grow up to be just people"

Myth #5 Adopted children should be spared the stigma of adoption by not telling them they are adopted or by waiting until they are old enough to understand.
Being adopted isnothing to be ashamed of and is not difficult to explain. Adopted child can understand from the very beginning that adoption means love. They can understand that their birth mother is the person who gave birth to tham and cose their parent for them. A healthy openness about adoption creates security and a positiye identity.

Myth #6 Adopted children and birth parents never get over the loss of separation from each other:
The truth is that newborn infants attach easily to adoptive parents, their security lies in the consistency of the care they are given. Although birth parents grieve and take time to heal after placing a child for adoption, they do in fact heal. THose who choose adoption actually may experience lass grief than those who choose to single parent.

Myth #7 It is in the best interst of all parties that adoptionas be completely closed:
An open adoption is one where information is exchanged between the birth parents and the adoptive parents. As we have discovered at LDS Family Services, this can be facilitated without sacrificing privacy and confidentiality. Our birth parents and adoptive patents have the opportunity to meet in an agency setting and to exchange letters, pictures, and gifts through the agency for as long as they desire.

Myth #8 Children should always be placed with families of the same ethnicity:
couples who choose to adopt children of a different ethnicity need to be well educated in the dynamics for them and for their families. Finding role models of their same race and teaching them about their cultural heritage helps them develop a healthy self-image.

Myth #9 Only wealthy couples can adopt children:
In order to provide sealed homes for children LDS Family Services charges a sliding fee based on income for qualified couples. Financial security and the ability to manage resources are more important than the size of the couples income.

Myth #10 Adoption cures infertility:
Adopting a child does not enable a couple to comcieve, adoption does not cure infertility; it cures the childlessness. "Adoption makes us parents, but it doesn't make us fertile."


Until next time,
Shaylee