Some FAQ's {regarding infertility}

I've personally been asked more than a handful of times in the past week "do you have any kids?" or "why don't you have any kids?". I understand why I'm asked, people are curious and it's usually a pretty innocent question. But the answer never fails to make people uncomfortable. It's illogical: you work with kids (ages 3-75) & you're married so you must have kids...nope. And that baffles most, but no one more that Joseph & I. So with the recent up-tick in questions it seems like the right time to answer some questions.

Q: It's been more than a year post surgery, why haven't you conceived yet?
A: Not sure. We're "trying" , but the real focus has been on making sure that I am healthy and "regular". And we haven't pursued anything as far as fertility treatments.

Q: Why haven't you looking into/ had fertility treatments?
A: Short answer- I'm uninsured.

Q: Why don't you have insurance?
A: We can't afford it (for me). Joseph is fully covered through medicare parts A,B & D, we can't afford not to have him insured. But unfortunately even with obamacare it's just too darn expensive, and I do not qualify for Medicaid because I "make too much $" and I am not pregnant. It's a lose-lose situation for me. Even if I had insurance it wouldn't cover the tests, procedures or surgeries I may need, insurance typically only helps after a loss or complication.

Q:Why don't you "just"_____________??
A: First, I do not believe that you can "just" anything in relation to infertility. Treating infertility is mentally, physically, financially & emotionally taxing- not to mention the stress it puts on your marriage. We know, been there and we've done everything short of IUI, IVF, or adoption.

Once upon a time we had an approved adoption home study, but this was before Joseph lost (most of his) vision, his job and decreased mobility with his legs.

So, no we can't "just" (fertility treatments/ adopt) it's infinitely more complicated than "just" do this, or "just" do that.

Q: How about adoption?
A: We haven't ruled out the possibility of biological children, but we would absolutely adopt.

Please understand that adoption isn't a cure for infertility, it "cures" childlessness but not my inability to (thus far) have children. {FYI: We concieved and lost our 4th baby while doing adoption paperwork & classes- not a "cure"} It's also a long and intense process: paperwork, classes, interviews, home visit, finger printing, background checks, personal reference letters, online profiles, networking.. and more I know that I am forgetting. And it's not cheap. We love adoption, we haven't ruled out that option, but it's not what we're currently looking to pursue.

Q: How much does adoption or fertility treatments cost?
A: Short Answer- tens of thousands of dollars. But there are a lot of factors that go into the cost for with option.

Q: Who's "fault" is it that you haven't been able to conceive?
A: We have conceived, at least 4 times that we know of. I haven't been able to carry past the 1st trimester. Abnormalities have been discovered in my "lady bits" so... me, it's "my fault".

**WARNING** gory details:

-My uterus was sort of heart shaped and my fallopian tubes were completely blocked by scar tissue, prior to my 2008 surgery.

-We know that my uterus is small, and tipped toward my back.

- I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. (PCOS)

- 4 years ago we found out that I have Celiac Disease, after going gluten free I have had BIG improvements to my health overall (less headaches/ migraines, rashes, stomach issues & so much more energy) as well improvements with my PCOS

-the current theory is that I have an MTHFR mutation, meaning that my body doesn't use folic acid correctly, and can cause multiple miscarriages as well as a number of other health issues.

Q: Are you looking into doing fertility treatments?
A: Yes, we are beginning to look into what tests & procedures we'd need to do (or repeat). What Doctors to sees & importantly the cost....

so far:

MTHFR blood test: $316.05, Treatment= L-Methylfolate multi- vitamin. We opted (under the guidance of my Dr.), to skip the test and try out the vitamins, using free samples. I've been taking them for 1 week now.

Hysteroscopy: Procedure where a thin lighted tube is inserted in the vagina to examine the cervix and inside the uterus. We discussed repeating this test, but I technically just had one done during my D&C / polypectomy in Nov. 2015

Hysterosalingogram (HSG): $2,132, it's an x-ray test to see whether the fallopian tubes are open & if the inside of the uterus is normal. {My 2007 HSG showed completely blocked fallopian tubes.}

The HSG would be the test I'd have done, before seeing the fertility specialist.

Q: So, what's the plan?
A: For now take the vitamins & explore our financial options with the hospital, probably have our consultation with the fertility clinic. A consultantation during which I'd like to get a "road map" of treatments/ procedures (all worst- case scenerios) and cost at each step, all the way to IVF. That way we can plan for and save money or fundraise to pay for it. I've been looking at getting a 2nd job so we can pay off some debts and save $ for fertility treatments, but honestly things for our home might come first (i.e.: gutters, patio cover & new carpet)

So in reality we need to be in a better position financially to really move forward. The job I'm thinking about would be more full-time in the summer, when my student load is low. Then staying on part-time during the school year, when I'm more in demand. Joseph & I have also discussed fundraisers that we could do to help raise the $ for fertility treatments. I guess you'd say that we are in the "exploring our options" phase.

It feels like you're standing on the high dive, calculating the distance to the water, depth of the water & evaluating if it's worth the risk of jumping off the platform: becoming airborne, bracing for impact with the surface of the water & the danger of drowning once immersed. There is one important difference between diving into fertility treatments in 2006-10 and now is that we've been there, we've already experienced so much of what we'd need to do again & so we know what we'd be getting ourselves into, rather than the fear and uncertainty of the first time around.

Surgery Summary (almost 2 months post-op)

I feel AWESOME, seriously. So here is the run down of what has happened for anyone who is curious enough to read this

• Oct. 26th: Ultrasound & Dr appointment @ APW, diagnosis: Endometrial polyp, cysts on uterine wall. Dr. Tandon was sweet, direct and to the point, qualities I value in a doctor. (gimme the facts, but with tact) I really think she must have thought I was a little crazy, because of how calm I was about everything.  Dr T: "we found polyps and cysts in your uterus and endometrium, you need to have surgery to remove them, a hysteroscopy, D&C and polypectomy." Me:"okay" Dr. T: "Do you want to schedule that today?" Me: "yes."
• Nov. 16th: pre-op/ pre-admission appointments: boring, long, necessary. 
• Nov. 25th: The BIG day
• We stayed up late to eat and drink, so I wouldn't be hangry the next day. We woke up early, unintentionally.
• Mom, Joseph & I arrive at hospital, and get checked in just before 12:30
• I was hooked with, or up to everything: a gown, a hair net, anti-nausea patch behind my ear, compression socks, pressure cuffs on my legs, another pair of socks, blood pressure cuff, finger pulse ox monitor, some other monitor on my ear, 3 bracelets, and probably about 5 warm blankets on top of me.
• The I.V. hook up didn't go so smoothly...I squirted blood everywhere, blood EVERYWHERE, crime scene quality I'm sure. The nurse thought it would be more difficult and that I would be more dehydrated (fair skin = difficult poke, she said) 
• I was given valium in my I.V. right before they wheeled me to the O.R., then in the O.R. an oxygen mask was brought up to my face, I was told "time to go to sleep", had surgery (so I'm told, happily under general anesthesia I don't remember anything) then I woke up back in my "room" 
• 2, I.V. pain med pushes, a snack, and 1 bathroom trip later I was dressing to go home. We left the hospital, around 3pm
• We all went to walmart for my prescriptions. Joseph rode behind me (in an electric wheelchair) around the store while we waited for the meds. Got home around 4pm
• Mom says she was a little freaked out by how coherent I was right after surgery.  She stayed, warmed up our dinner and ate with us, started my medication notebook (schedule) and left after I was finally settled in and relaxing. (around 6 pm)
• Apparently I am tough one to get to lay down and relax... but Joseph knew the trick, he put a dryer warmed blanket on me and I stayed put. 
• Dec 17th: Post-Op appointment, kind of a waste of an appointment, if you ask me. Dr. T told me it was a successful surgery, everything looks good, made sure I was feeling well and had no complications, then she gave me the all clear to try to get pregnant. 
• Other Facts
• The polyp was benign (yay!) and measured 2.1 cm x 1.4 cm x 0.4 cm, so it was quite large. (Validating for me, I was in real pain and for a real reason)
• This was not my first surgery, but it was my third D&C.
• However,  this was my first D&C that had nothing to do with a pregnancy loss, which made it much easier, emotionally.
• It was so much harder (painful) BEFORE surgery than after. Something I found that people had a hard time understanding.
• Polyp Info: Not much is known about polyps, I know, I asked and I googled... 
• What causes them? Not sure...hormone imbalance seems probable.
• How long was that growing inside me? Who knows...It was kinda flat so it could have been pushed aside during previous ultrasounds.
• Do polyps prevent pregnancy? Unknown, but likely. Symptoms include unexplained infertility and multiple miscarriages. What I do know is that it was there, it was large and it was causing serious problems (PAIN, irregular periods & excessive and irregular bleeding, difficulty getting/staying pregnant)

Now that it's gone & I've healed I feel so great, I have so much more energy, it's kind of ridiculous! I'm a whole new person, or at least it feels that way, especially after months of PAIN. I like to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who checked up on me, left notes and messages on FB, sent sweet texts and thoughtful gifts to me as I endured pain, and underwent surgery. It sure meant a lot, thanks. Goodbye endometrial polyp and uterine cysts and may you NEVER EVER return. 

Untitled

 Life has been busy lately. Well, not so much in the summer, that was hot & boring (in the best way). Now it's back to life as usual: me {Shaylee} working full-time between preschool & piano, and Joseph handling things at home, our sweet home Mecham Manor.
But we've had a complication recently, not Joseph, he's doing great. {we see his neurologist in 3 weeks} it's me. My body and I aren't getting along lately, I'd even go so far as to say that my body hates me. TMI WARNING: if you're a guy, I would stop reading right now. Lots of yucky details coming up. Okay, you've been warned.
In September my period was 11 days late, I thought I was pregnant. I had 2 negative pee tests, and 1 negative blood test before my period finally arrived. And oh boy did it, bad CRAMPS and heavy heavy bleeding for 8 straight days. Then a week before my next period my body was overcome with severe cramps, back aches and pains shooting down into my legs. Tested for a UTI, negative.  Somehow, my period came, and relatively on time {weird though, 3 days spotting and 2 days borderline hemmoraging} it's over now, and I'm still in pain. See, I said my body hates me.
Today marks day 18 of continuos, unrelenting pain. Although now it's like a 5-6/10 on the pain scale, before my period it was a consistent 8/10.
The theory is that I may have endometriosis. Endometriosis is when the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus. I've done research, and I have most of the symptoms. Endometriosis has never been ruled out, with all the doctors I've seen, and procedures I've have in the past. Unfortunately, endometriosis can only be diagnosed and treated with surgery.
I am currently working on obtaining short term health insurance to help cover my future medical expenses. I'll have health insurance through Obamacare, but it won't start until January, I won't wait that long. My goal is to {possibly} have surgery near the holidays, when I have time off work. Right now it's about pain management, and taking things one day at a time. I'm hoping that if I have surgery that we will have more answers about what has been causing our 9 year long battle with infertility. Is it endometriosis? Do I have  PCOS and endo? I want answers.
President Gordon B. Hinckley said: “If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God. … The Lord will not forsake us.”
It will all work out, eventually. 

A timeline... mostly just for me

I FINALLY have all of my medical records from Idaho and my previous Washington Doctors..so now I have dates I was missing from my journal, our journals...or lack thereof. I had been previously trying to construct this timeline and now it's almost complete. 

Big life events...

2006

May 5^th- We were married in the Portland Oregon Temple

May 12^th- Joseph starts work at Broulims

June- Shaylee Works @ Craigos

July – Shaylee teaches swimming lessons @ BYUI
            1^st Pregnancy

August- 1^st Miscarriage

Late August/ Early September- 2^nd pregnancy

Late September- 2^nd miscarriage, Dr. A confirmed

December- 3^rd pregnancy

December 19^th- Miriam & Josh married in Idaho Falls Idaho Temple

2007

January 12^th- 3^rd miscarriage

January 23^rd- Hysteroscopy done in office by Dr. Allred. Hysteroscopy is a diagnostic and surgical procedure that makes examining the inside of the uterus possible without making an abdominal cut (incision).{uterus is filled with fluid & a lighted instrument (hysteroscope)  is inserted} 

February 23^rd- HSG test done at Madison Memorial Hospital  {hysterosalpingogram is an x-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. During the procedure dye is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes.}

April- moved, new ward & called to teach in primary

May 5^th- 1^st wedding anniversary

May ?- Shaylee had surgery- diagnostic laparscopy, hydratubation of fallopian tubes & Dilation and Currettage.

Diagnostic Laparascopy- {A surgeon makes a small cut below the belly button (navel) and inserts a needle into the area. Carbon dioxide gas is passed into the abdomen to expand the area. This gives the surgeon more room to work, and helps the surgeon see the organs more clearly. A tube is placed through the cut in your abdomen. A tiny video camera (laparoscope) goes through this tube and is used to see the inside of your pelvis and abdomen. More small cuts may be made if other instruments are needed to get a better view of certain organs.If you are having gynecologic laparoscopy, dye may be injected into your cervix area so the surgeon can better see your fallopian tubes.After the exam, the gas, laparoscope, and instruments are removed, and the cuts are closed. You will have bandages over those areas.

Hydratebation of Fallopian Tubes: unblocking of tubes, using a technique much like the HSG

Dilation and curettage (D&C) is a brief surgical procedure in which the cervix is dilated and a special instrument is used to scrape the uterine lining.

2008

March 28^th- 4^th pregnancy, found out at the school clinic

April 11^th- Jake & Bethany Married Rexburg Idaho Temple

April 16^th- 4^th Baby has no heart beat

April 29^th- 2^nd D&C

May 2^nd- Shaylee had lump in Left Hand removed

May 4^th- Shaylee hospitalized with Gastrointeritis

May 5^th-  2^nd wedding anniversary, Joseph has gastroenteritis

June- We received our adoption paperwork, IUD put in

November 15^th- Alisha & Marc Married in Columbia River Washington Temple

December- Shaylee Graduated BYUI

2009

March- we are approved to adopt

April- Joseph graduates BYUI we walk together at commencement. We move to Kennewick.

May Joseph starts work at Toyota

May 5^th- 3^rd wedding Anniversary

June- Speckles joins our family

July- Joseph has an MS flare up, went to ER to get immediate attention from a neurologist.

August- Shaylee starts work at TCAB

September- Joseph starts seeing new neurologist Dr. Cooke in Spokane WA

October- Joseph MRI in Spokane

November- Shaylee called as 2^nd counselor in Primary Presidency, Joseph diagnosed with Relapse Remitting Multiple sclerosis (he waspreviously diagnosed with primary progressive MS in Feb 2004) Started Rebif

December 22^nd- Joseph diagnosed as legally blind

December 28^th- Joseph lost job at Toyota due to blindness

2010

January 15^th- Victoria Renee Bready is born (Alisha & Marc’s 1st)

February- Working with Washington Department of Services for the Blind (DSB) Joseph starts to use a white cane

May 4^th- Cadence LuRue Mecham born (Jake & Bethany’s 1st)

May 5^th- Our 4^th wedding anniversary

June- Joseph starts receiving Social Security disability income

September 18^th- Sam & Kaelee married in Idaho Falls Idaho Temple

November- Our adoption paperwork officially closed

2011

January- Shaylee started seeing Dr. O for irregular periods…          

February 24^th- IUD removed

May 5^th – Our 5^th wedding anniversary

May 19^th- Sera Jean Bready born (Alisha & Marc’s 2nd)

August 12^th-  Stella LuRose KimEllen Toy born (Miri & Josh’s 1st)

December 7^th- HORRID appointment with Dr. O, left on table for hours, PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome diagnosis. Left his practice after demanding metformin for cysts rather than birth control

2012

February 20^th- “new” calling 1^st counselor in primary presidency

March 14^th- Shaylee starts going to associated Physicians for Women

March 26^th- HUGE cyst rupture, in ER @ 2am KGH

May 5^th- Our 6^th wedding anniversary

June – Shaylee starts working out at Club 24

June 11^th- Paisley Beth Mecham born (Jake & Bethany’s 2^nd)

September- Joseph breaks his foot

October 13^th- Calvin Scott Mecham born (Sam & Kaelee’s 1^st)

October 28^th- Shaylee called as choir director & Joseph choir president

December 15^th- Joseph’s 1^st 5k in wheelchair, cable bridge run

2013

January 25^th- Sean Robert Bready born (Alisha & Marc’s 3^rd)

February- discovered link between PCOS and Gluten Intolerance, Shaylee goes GF

May 5^th- our 7^th wedding anniversary

June 22^nd- Rylee joins our family

August 16^th- Joseph gets new wheelchair, named Dude

September- Shaylee begins teaching preschool

September 3^rd- Victor Timothy Toy born (Miri & Josh’s 2^nd)

September 15^th – Shaylee called as 2^nd counselor in Relief Society Presidency

December 21^st-  Cable Bridge run

2014

February- 1 year of being gluten free!!
March 9th- Joseph called as a ward Missionary

April 13^th Rylee is 1 year old!
May 5th- Our 8th Wedding anniversary

June 5^th- Joseph gets lofstrand crutches we name Fred & George

July 5^th- Harvey James Mecham born (Sam & Kaelee’s 2^nd)

It's always there, but not always present.

My struggle with infertility is always there, but not always present.

Here's a conversation that took place recently: (M= female student 8 yrs. old, S= me, Shaylee)

April 18th, 2014

M: Do you have any children?

S: Nope, just hasn't worked out yet. 

M: Have you asked God? 

S: Yes 

M: I'll ask God for you too, in my prayers. 

S: Thanks M, that's really sweet of you. 

M: Have you asked a doctor? 

S: yes 

M: oh 

The very next week-

M: so...have you seen a doctor yet?

S: actually, yes. 

M: Good, cause I've prayed for you to have babies every day. 

Gluten- Free for me

Well if the title didn't give it away I will now, I (Shaylee) am gluten intolerant. After coming up with this diagnosis, I've done lots and lots of research that I will share here, mingled in will be my story... thus far.

Definitions:
"Gluten sensitivity (also gluten intolerance) is a spectrum of disorders including celiac disease and allergy, in which gluten has an adverse effect on the body"
"Gluten is a protein composite found in food processed from wheat and related species, including barley and rye"  (Source)

Signs and Symptoms of Gluten intolerance
1. If you have eczema (or other skin rash) and no one seems to know the actual cause behind it, you may have some sort of food allergy.
2. If any of your blood related family members are gluten intolerant then you should get tested. (My Aunt, on my father's side is extremely gluten intolerant)
3. Symptoms associated with gluten intolerance:
-Weight loss/ or gain
- nutritional deficiencies due to malabsorption (ie. low iron)
- gastrointestinal problems (bloating, gas, pain, constipation & diarrhea)
- fat in stool
- aching joints
- depression
- eczema
- headaches
- exhaustion
- irritability, behavioral changes
- infertility, irregular menstrual cycles & miscarriage
- cramps, tingling and numbness
- slow infant and child growth
- decline in dental health.
(Source)

My symptoms include: skin rash on my arms, that looked a lot like Keratosis Pilaris, but didn't go away and got worse when I ate bread. Gastrointestinal discomforts, that mimic the side effects of metformin & headache that lasted all week.

After determining that these were symptoms, not side effects & that I am not sick, I consulted google and my doctor. We agreed that there is a link between gluten intolerance & PCOS, infertility and miscarriage. We also decided not to do a blood test, which can be expensive and inconclusive, instead just eliminating gluten from my diet.

Back to google, I wanted evidence that gluten intolerance may be connected to my infertility. Here are my findings:
The body has an innate intelligence that prevents pregnancy when the health of the mother and/or father are poor. To force pregnancy through unnatural means is a dangerous practice. miscarriage, spontaneous abortion, birth defects, infant developmental problems are common among those having children through treatments.
The 2 most common causes of infertility are pelvic inflammatory disorders and polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS. A study in the medical journal of human reproduction identified gluten sensitivity in as many and 8% of women with unexplained infertility problems. The following fertility issues have been linked to gluten sensitivity: (only listed are those that I have had) PCOS, diabetes (or insulin resistance), amenorrhea (absence of menstrual cycle), spontaneous abortion & multiple miscarriages. Gluten intolerance has become a modern plague on human fertility. (Sources here, here and here)

So I then I went on to research what does and doesn't have gluten in it. and because my symptoms included my skin, I need to cut gluten out of my life entirely. Do you know how many thing have gluten in them? Everything, basically.

Cutting gluten out of my diet hasn't been the hard part, it's ridding myself of products that have gluten in them. So far I have replaced my soap (to Dove), deodorant (to Dove), toothpaste (Colgate), face wash (Neutragena, tons of gluten- free options)  & some makeup (Physicians Formula & E.L.F are entirely gluten free make up lines). Luckily a lot of my beauty products are gluten free, way to go Paul Mitchell (I use Super Skinny Serum, Round Trip & Worked up), my shampoo and conditioner (Garnier Fructis), my lotions (Melaleuca's Renew & Hempz), my laundry detergent (Melaleuca). I find myself double checking labels on EVERYTHING. Especially after having a little set back a few days into going gluten free, I used products with gluten- totally on accident, and got a dry itchy rash.

Isn't this absolutely insane? I am 1 week into being gluten- free internally and topically, and I already feel better; no headache, stomach is great, skin is clearing up, I have more energy & sleep better.
I'll keep you posted as I go.

Not my favorite subject

I don't like to blog about infertility, it's not a pleasant topic. But as much as motherhood consumes the lives of my family and friends, my lack of motherhood consumes mine. Infertility makes life really hard and often quite complicated. Infertility is a nasty beast, that will chew you up and spit you out, with no remorse. Infertility doesn't discriminate either, it doesn't care who you are. While unpleasant, I find it healing to  be able to air my thoughts and experiences regarding infertility here on my blog, and who knows, it make even help someone else. Which makes the unpleasantness all worth it. I mentioned a diagnosis a while ago and I think its okay to share the story now. 

It was a cold dark December day (December 7th, 2011 to be exact). I was in my OBGYN's office. Suffering from an ovarian cyst, I made an appointment with Dr. O. At the appointment I was called back quickly for an ultrasound during which they did a lot of measuring: my uterus, uterus lining thickness, ovaries and cysts (also counting cysts). Then I was sent back out to the waiting area, 45 minutes later I was called back into an examination room, where I waited for 2 hours (half naked!) on the table, with not so much as a nurse peeking in. I stuck it out because I desperately needed treatment for cysts. I was almost ready to leave when he FINALLY showed up. Dr. O performed a couple of exams, and informed me that the cyst had already ruptured. He told me that my body will always make cysts, I have PCOS. This is the first mention of an actual diagnosis, I had known that my ovaries looked polycystic, but no diagnosis could be made without closer observation (ultrasounds counting and measuring the cysts). Dr. O then gave my 2 treatment options: actively trying to conceive, or go onto hormonal birth control. I argued for a 3rd option: metformin, he wasn't thrilled, but did agree to prescribe it.  Metformin is a diabetes medication that also helps PCOS patients by leveling out hormones, which can eliminate the cysts, and help with ovulation.  It's not a well liked option, because of the side effects, but I've been on it before so it's okay. 

It was a really rough day, because Dr. O's bedside manner severly lacked any compassion, especially as he was slamming me with a diagnosis. To make matters worse the appointment went so long I couldn't go home before work to clean up, so I got into the car, called my loving hubby and totally broke down. He is an amazing listener and helped me to calm down before driving to work, then I went and worked like it was a normal day, feeling nasty, and having cried off all my makeup. 

FYI: Polycystic ovary syndrome is a condition in which a woman has an imbalance of a female sex hormones. This may lead to menstrual cycle changes, cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other health changes.

PCOS is linked to changes in the level of certain hormones:

•   Estrogen and progesterone, the female hormones that help a woman's ovaries release eggs


•   Androgen, a male hormone found in small amounts in women


It is not completely understood why or how the changes in the hormone levels occur. The changes make it harder for a woman's ovaries to release fully grown (mature) eggs.  Normally, one or more eggs are released during a woman's period. This is called ovulation. In PCOS, mature eggs are not released from the ovaries. Instead, they can form very small cysts in the ovary.

These changes can contribute to infertility. The other symptoms of this disorder are due to the hormone imbalances. (Source Here)

I am Shaylee, I have struggled with infertility for 6 years, I have PCOS. Dr.O is terrible, I left his practice, as did my aunt who had basically the same awful experience  My husband and I desperately want to be parents, and we have spent about $11,000 thus far, just trying to make that happen. The injustice of it all is that people get pregnant all the time, for free! Or on "accident",  you all know it doesn't happen "accidentally", right? 

I accept and a knowledge that it will take medication to get help me get pregnant. It will take medication to keep me from miscarrying during a pregnancy.  I am not ready to resort to medical procedures (IUI, IVF) because we know we can get pregnant, we've done that part 4 times. A diagnosis helps, we had gone so long without a clear diagnosis. I now have a great doctor who is also a "piano mom" of mine, and surprisingly, it's not awkward. 




First and last. 

I am the oldest. 

He is the oldest.

We do things first. 

That's just how it is. 

First born to first time parents. 

First to walk/ run. 

First in school. 

First stitches. 

First one taller than grandma. 

First one to drive. 

First one to serve a mission. 

First married.  

First pregnant.

All true.

But not the first to be parents. 

Our Best case scenario: 

5th on his side, 4th on mine. 

We don't always have to be first,

But how will we feel if we're last?

We've been the first 

To Deal with Multiple Sclerosis,

To Have miscarriages,

To Have fertility  surgeries,

To Explore adoption,

To go blind,

And  we are still here, still intact, still surviving, still hoping. 

But how will we feel if we are last?

I am an infertility survivor

And as such I have some issues dealing with other people's  pregnancies. So here are some ground rules to follow, taken from Ashley at feigning fertility. HERE is the original post, on Ashley's blog.

What we infertility survivors need our pregnant friends and family to understand is the following:

1. Your news, while brilliant and amazing, is going to hurt. You are not hurting us. You did not hurt us and we know you love us. What hurts is that every time we see some one else pregnant, we're slapped with the fact that we are not. Every announcement is another moment where we have to face our defective bodies and empty arms. It's not you, it really isn't.

2. We will need our space. The only thing that will get us through our own struggles with our infertility is patience. I've heard  people express that infertile women need to get over it, because pregnant people are everywhere and we can't avoid it , so why let it bother us? Because we are painfully aware that pregnancy is everywhere. We face it every single day, not just during pregnancy announcements or baby showers... When one of our friends is pregnant, we have to look at it and frankly, it's an overload. Let us come to you ( pretend we are a cat) and mostly, [...] know that we love you, but we need our space.

3. Do not. Do NOT appear ungrateful for your pregnancy [...] we're aware that if we ask how you're feeling, you're probably not feeling like sunshine and roses.  A good response would be "tired, a little queasy. How are you?". We're trying to be polite, we really are concerned about you, but a long drawn out whine about your vomiting isn't needed. It's hard to listen to someone moan and groan about something you would be really grateful for. We get that it's not a walk in the park, but if we were in your shoes, our response would be " tired, a little queasy, but thrilled!". We need to know that you know how blessed you are. That we'd do anything to be as uncomfortable as you are.

4. We need you to know that our pain is not about you. We know that you're going to be a great parent. We know you are grateful. We wouldn't take it from you so we could have it. But we wonder what we did wrong that we can't have it too. Not "instead" but "also". I love my friends and wouldn't have taken their pregnancies away from them so I could do it instead, but I would have given anything to be pregnant also.

5. You need to know that we feel like jerks for being upset. Seriously, if you are a good friend, we feel horrible we aren't skipping with you. We want to. Believe me, we want to. But our hearts are too heavy to fly with you  and that makes us feel like horrible people and friends. We're sorry we're being bad friends in this time in your life.

6. We will come around. We may not be into going and doing your baby registry with you, we will probably cop out of your baby shower, but we will still send you a gift. Again,  treat us like we're cats. We just need to come when we can do it. And refer to numbers 4&5. At some point we will [...]be back to normal, but not now, okay?

7. We want you to know that the most important thing we need from you is patience. We're going to be weird. We don't know what to do and you don't know what to do. You can't fix it and we can't fix it. This is something we'll just have to ride out. It will be okay and we just need you to keep loving us, because we will keep loving you.

My thoughts: I love these! They are so true! Awkwardly and embarrassingly true. I do wish that I knew these or at least a couple of these in the middle of our miscarriages.  It's  hard to know how to deal with what you need to, let alone know how to associate with other people while trying to cope.

I know that I made mistakes dealing with my infertility, I know some people were hurt. But what I need those people to understand is that we had no idea how to handle infertility and we knew even less about how to handle our friends and family's concerns or their pregnancies.  We are still learning, infertility will always be part of our story now, even after we finally become parents. Infertility is part of our story, but it does not define who we are.

When infertility strikes

I stumbled across this article on resolve.org, click here for the full article, it is a great article about how infertility effects families, so here is my summary of the article.

Infertility is widely acknowledged as a crisis for individuals and couples, it is less recognized as a trauma that impacts their families. Yet, involuntary childlessness is an inter generational crisis that has the ability  to strain, even damage, family relationships overtime by impairing  communications and interactions. Invisible losses, such as miscarriages, failed medical treatments, or adoptions gone awry may highlight a family's inadequate means of dealing with problems. However, the family experience of infertility also has the potential to bring out the best in the family system, promoting growth and well-being.

Some families faced with infertility grow closer and find ways to provide support, compassion, and understanding in the midst of the maelstrom of profound loss and despair. These families are able to handle the myriad or negative emotions of infertility, and weather the pain of its many losses.

Involuntary childlessness is an interruption of the family life cycle. Family building is a developmental stage that represents generate ugh or fostering the next generation. Infertility is the obstacle blocking these normal transitions  and preventing family members from assuming new developmental roles. (roles like grandparent, parent, aunt & uncle). Interruption of Normal life cycles can highlight a family's unique flaws, precipitating negative behaviors such as parental favoritism, poor communication, and /or unhealthy coping strategies. In short infertility has the ability to distress not only the  infertile couple but also their families, resulting in 'collateral damage' that lingers long after the problem of childlessness has been resolved.

Infertility brings sadness, loss, and a variety of negative emotions. Parents must be aware that watching a sibling move through the stages of pregnancy is typically most difficult for the infertile couple. Parents faced with their children's infertility are often baffled by this crisis. It is an 'invisible' loss, and a roller coaster of emotions.

The following are suggestions and advice for friends and family members of infertile couples. ( based on Patricia Irwin Johnston's Understanding infertility for friends and family)

• Acknowledge infertility as a medical and emotional crisis with a wide variety of losses, disappointments and 'costs': physical, financial, social, and marital. Do not attempt to deny or minimize involuntary childlessness either by avoiding the topic or offering empty platitudes like "everything will be fine" or "just relax".

• Be sensitive to the pain, stress, and emotional pressure of childlessness or the inability to expand one's family as desired. Try to frequently convey care and compassion and do not 'forget' the couple over time as the months and even years of infertility drag on. Be cognizant that some junctures in the journey may be more difficult than others such as after miscarriage, failed fertility treatments or surgery that fails to produce hoped for results.

• Be supportive. Do not assume you know what supportive means to your loved one but,  instead, ask how you can be supportive. What would they find most helpful and useful?

• Emphasize the importance and value of the couple (and each partner) in the family. Encourage and welcome their involvement as a couple or individually in family events and activities. Once it occurs, infertility becomes a part of the family's history; how a family adapts and copes with the events and stress will be forever part of the family's past. Like any stressor, infertility can strain family functioning or improve it. Families need to be sensitive about the needs of the infertile  couple, particularly around a child centered family gathering. It is important that they understand the infertile couple's decision, if they choose not to come.

• Always keep the lines of communication open. It is not a good idea to hide pregnancies 'out of kindness' or not invite the infertile couple to child-centered family events; or keep secrets out of fear of upsetting the couple. Always think about how things are told, as much as what is being told: tact, kindness and privacy can go a long way to soften the blow of difficult news.

• Respect the boundaries the infertile couple  sets regarding their infertility. Some couples prefer a high level of privacy about infertility. Others choose a more open approach. When in doubt, ask the couple.

My thoughts:
I love the wording "involuntary childlessness" it's less harsh than saying  infertility. Although I would say that I (Shaylee) suffer from infertility, (namely poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) and as a couple we suffer from involuntary childlessness.

The 'invisible' loss part is very true, you can't tell from looking at us that we are involuntarily childless. Which is why Joseph and I get asked about our kids or if we have any ( me at work, Joseph's dial-a-ride drivers ask) his approach is great: politely tell them it's none of their business, and inform them that we've have 4 miscarriages. But it does become more and more apparent the longer we have been married. Infertility has no set time frame we've been dealing with it most of our 6 year marriage.

Overall I did really enjoy this article, I didn't realize that out infertility or involuntary childlessness would be forever a part of our families history, it is and is even more so for us as we've chosen to be pretty open about our struggles. And we plan on being open still.

Why is motherhood so elusive?

Finally a diagnosis, conclusive.

So tired of treading water,

In  want of a son or daughter.

The battle is raging still,

Ever steady, always uphill.

Oft surrounded by gloom,

Soon happiness will bloom.

Life isn't fair,

Wish I didn't care.

The hurt is real,

Wish I couldn't feel.

I don't want him sad,

He's so ready to be a dad.

Too much pain,

Experience for my gain.

This road is rough,

It's making me tough.

Pregnancy shouldn't be maybe,

It should always equal baby.

Waiting for my turn,

Still trying to learn,

We're on the Lord's time,

Not mine.

I had a doctors appointment on Jan 24th, I met my new OB/GYN, a meeting that was way over due. I had put myself on the back burner and I was a year late for my "yearly" appointment, if you know what I mean. This doctor came highly recommended by my aunt, he is an infertility specialist, specializing in recurrent miscarriages  (my problem) and bi-cornet uterus' (my aunt's problem, she literally has two)

So the morning of the appointment I went alone, (unusual for me, I like to have Joseph with me- but I figured I'd be there for a long time) I was,  and my i pod was a life saver, I was watching a movie while waiting. Finally my name was called, did all the normal doctor stuff: height, weight, blood pressure- mine was normal by the way! I have what I like to call "white coat syndrome" I DO NOT LIKE DOCTORS, any doctor and when I go into an examining room my blood pressure usually sky rockets, then I'm fine again when I leave.  My guess is that comes from getting bad news a little too often. 

Anyway back to the appointment, after I was in my open back hospital gown and paper blanket I met the man.  He looked over my chart, got down to pregnancy history: 4 pregnancies, no deliveries; surgical history: Laparascopy a couple D&C's etc. To say he was shocked was an understatement. So we talked about what my previous Dr. had done & my current birth control. He wanted to know why I picked an IUD and why we've kept it in so long. So then came the brief (but still long) story of our married life, miscarriages, surgeries, school, moving, adoption, Joseph's blindness and job loss. He asked if I was depressed, I said "not right now", he said that's amazing because he is depressed just listening to our story. Then he returned the favor and shocked me by saying "why don't we remove your IUD today? It will only take like 30 seconds. As your new doctor I am advising you that it's not going to help to wait anymore. I want you to be pregnant, don't you want to be pregnant? Let's take that thing out."  And that's basically verbatim, as it now permanently in my mind. I about fell off the examining table (which would have been a little awkward in a hospital gown). The good Doctor went on to lay out our game plan: " You'll call me the moment you get a positive pregnancy test. You'll come in and we'll do blood work and an ultrasound. Because of your history you'll probably need hormone injections, I will want to see you weekly." He had gone above and beyond my expectations, I had set for myself. And he surpassed my list of demands, so to say of what I wanted in my doctor, (I had a mental list because of some really crappy doctors I had seen previously).  

With adoption out of the picture (temporarily, we hope) pregnancy has crept back into the picture of possibilities. I couldn't make a decision like that without Joseph and definitely not over the phone with him either. So we proceeded with the normal yearly exam & on my way out he had me sign the release forms to get all my old records from Idaho (another reason I hesitated- he needs to see those first) He told me that I am young and healthy and strong- wow. I haven't heard those, at least not in a long while. What a strange day it was, I left the office in a daze, that wasn't what I was expecting at all.. and on my way out he met me in the hall put his hand on my shoulder  and said "Talk to Joe and call me when you decide to pull that thing out."

The infertility post....

I put up the last post because it was helpful for us. We were given this info forever ago and I came across it in an adoption blog and I thought it might be helpful to put here. I can look back and see how we have gone through this stages, and while in the midst of it we had to keep starting over. We started over and over again because we lost pregnancies so close together and underwent medical procedures and we were in school. Goodness!

I have been working on transferring my adoption journal over into an actual journal. (it was a notebook that is falling apart) So I have literally seen how we were in each stage of Grief and Infertility. I think that we are both in a much much better place and have enjoyed our time that we have given ourselves to heal and to explore and prepare for adoption. We still have tough moments but I won't burst into tears when a friend announces a pregnancy true story, but there are moments when I still feel the loss. So bear with us, we are still learning and growing.

-S

Infertility and Emotional Stages
Adoption Education Resource Manual, LDS Family Services, Kearns Agency.

Surprise
The most common first feeling of infertility.

Denial
"This can't happen to me!" Denial serves a purpose. It allows the body and mind to adjust at their own pace to events that might otherwise be overwhelming. Denial often comes into play at the time of miscarriage or stillbirth. The loss is too enormous and sudden to endure. It needs to be processed and piecemeal until it can be totally acknowledged.

Isolation
Infertility is a personal and embarrassing subject to discuss. Many infertile couples keep their problem carefully to themselves. This has two very unfortunate consequences: first, the family, friends, and peers of the couple may presume they are using birth control or do not desire children. This leads to needling and pressuring to start a family and fulfill society's dictates that families should be continued. Second, the partners, if they do not confide to others about infertility, must necessarily turn to each other for support, understanding, and sympathy. Often this is an impossible request because both members of an infertile couple are under stress.

Anger
When a couple enter into investigation and attempted treatment of their infertility, they surrender much of their sense of control over their bodies and destinies. The reaction to loss of control and helplessness is often anger. The anger way be very rational, focused at real and correctly perceived insults. Sometimes the anger is more irrational and may be projected onto targets such as the doctor, or an adoption worker. The real target of the anger is both the situation and the self. Anger which isn't acknowledged or released is often repressed and may lead to chronic depression.

Guilt and Unworthiness
People try to make a cause-and-effect relationship between infertility and something they have done (or not done) in life. Infertile people frequently decide that they are not being blessed with a pregnancy because they are in some way unworthy. Pregnancy is being withheld as a punishment.

Depression
Depression is a real legitimate state of sadness, despair, lethargy and vague symptoms of distress. When infertility is marked by an end point, such as final knowledge that pregnancy will never occur, depression gives way to grief.

Grief
"Death. Death of a lot of things. The end of the Jones family and the Jones' family name. It dies with us, because of me. My husband is the last of the male children in his family. Death before life ...before we even knew our child, because he never existed. The hardest part of this kind of death is the fact that it is the death of a dream. There are no solid memories, no pictures, no things to remember. You can't remember your child's blond hair or brown eyes, or his favorite toys or the way he laughed. Or the way it felt to be pregnant with him. He never existed."

There is no funeral, no burial, no grave to lay flowers on. The couple often grieves alone. The infertile person may entertain fears or fantasies that the fertile partner will leave--or worse, will stay and be secretly hostile and condemning. The feelings may lead to a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy.

The Course of Normal Grief
The first state of normal grief is usually shock and disbelief. To absorb the loss so that they will not feel overwhelmed. The second state of grief is actual suffering. Experiencing the painful feelings of sadness and emptiness. Weeping and sobbing, loss of appetite, exhaustion, choking or tightness in the throat. This "grief work" progresses, and the acute state of suffering will usually pass within several weeks to several months. Finally after the third state of grief, recovery begins. They will establish relationships and new interests as well as show renewed ability to experience pleasure, diversion, and satisfaction. Grief, of course may be reactivated, but the suffering is never as acute again.